The Beast

My brothers girlfriend Lorna likes chocolate. No scrap that, she LOVES chocolate. Its obsessional. Bordering on psychotic addiction. Admit it people, we can all relate. So with her birthday looming on the horizon I knew the time had come to create the most over the top, chocolatey disgustingness of a cake. This, I knew, would be fun. So after much beard scratching and even diagrams, I came up with this:


It’s actually not as outrageous as I thought it would be. But still nuts none the less. Inside its a layer of white chocolate sponge sandwiched between two layers of red velvet. All smothered with cream cheese frosting. Edge lined with chocolate fingers. Top sprinkled with white and milk chocolate Buttons, Maltersers, mini Twirls and some kind of chocolate eggs things. Then I (artfully) shoved in a Toblerone, Fudge, Twix and Curly Wurly. All finished off with a shed load of pink, gold and purple glitter. Oh yes, and then the obligatory candles (not edible, sadly). Feel sick just reading this? You should.

This cake wasn’t particularly hard to do but it was time consuming. But I like that. If I dedicate myself to a day of baking, I’m happy. Dedication. It’s what you need.

The reaction to this cake? It went something like this:

Gasping/‘OMG’ing/Squealing/Hand clapping/Hop, skip, jumping/HUGE grin that didn’t waver for about four hours.

May I just say, this is not a child. Lorna is 30 years old people. THIRTY.

Best reaction I’ve ever had to a bake and totally made it all worthwhile.


There isn’t much to say on how I made it really. I took the recipes from here:

The red velvet recipe is for cupcakes but also fits into two 20cm cake tins. The white choccy cake is for one deep 20cm cake tin but I split it into two shallow tins. I only used one in the end. It would have been just too tall.

I stacked the layers with buttercream in between and then covered firstly with a crumb coating, and then a thick layer of icing. It didn’t need to look even slightly perfect as it was going to be completely covered with chocolate.

Next thing was simply to go to town with the decorating. Firstly I covered the sides with the fingers. Which annoyingly were too short! So I stuck on the giant chocolate buttons. Then i arranged all the small chocolate pieces. Then simply shoved in the longer chocolate bars. Lastly I sprinkled on the icing. Oh yes and I dipped the ends of the bars in buttercream and then glitter, just for extra glitz.

And thus the Beast was created. And t’was a Beast that the people thought she’d be eating for the rest of time… even when dry… even when mouldy… even when crawling away on the tendrils of its remaining chocolate fingers. Yet lo, Lorna was good and true and she did turn all her efforts to defeating the Beast, and the Beast did fall. And the people did gather to rejoice… and make merry, yet Lorna could not, for she was in a diabetic coma.

The end.



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